You know,
this SHOULD affect me more than it really has.
Or does.
It's as if, having spent years of your life with someone doesn't even matter.
It's as if, nothing was built.
It's as if, there wasn't a relationship in the first place.
I don't understand any of it. Why doesn't it affect me (as much as i think it should) ?
It's not to say, i don't think about it or wonder what has become of it or feel sad about how the circumstances have detoriated;
I'm saying, why isn't the feeling deeper? Something more comprehendable, something i can't brush aside with ease?
I'm both amazed and disgusted at myself that im allowing myself to disregard the circumstances of present, not bothering to do anything about it anymore or fix the situation.
I don't know where the problem lies. Is it with me? Am i that emotionally retarded?
Why then is it so goddamn difficult for me to connect with people? Not as in, a we-hang-out-and-have-fun kind of connection, its more of a connection where i am actually BOTHERED to fix situations whereby loss is looming or when you can feel something/someone slipping away from you, bit by bit.
It's like, everything's so superficial. The foundation's weak. There's nothing deep, nothing solid. There isn't even a relationship; just companionship. I don't need companionship. I'm pretty sure i can survive alone. The only reason why i don't WANT to be alone, is because of society's imprint on the stigma of 'being alone', being 'a loner' or 'having no friends' or, 'being unwanted'.
Since young, I've always somehow tried to detach myself from acting out how im feeling. I don't know why i did it. It's so weird, it was probably when i was around 10 or so. It's like, i'd always HAD to have this control over my own emotions. Probably something to do with my personality. It's abit screwed. Happy, sad, disappointed. Whatever, just hated anyone to be able to read me.
Over the years, sometimes i think i don't even know how to feel anymore; or what to feel. It's not that i don't feel... i just, disregard it. Situations, events, words, things happy or sad... they don't really affect me much anymore. I wish they did sometimes, just so... i'd feel a little bit more human. I like to be in control over my thoughts, the way i act out, the way i feel, who i feel for... The last one's a little bit harder to get under grasp, but mostly, its still possible.
Sometimes, i think im relatively emotionless, dangerously hovering over the edge of numbness. Stoic. An ice queen. (but just skipping the parts where im mean to people because im too bloody sensitive to other people's feelings. irritating. wish i wasn't. and paid a little bit more attention to my own.)
With that said, maybe its not me.
It's everyone else.
Most never come remotely close to being actual genuine human beings.
Something i know i am actually capable of doing. The one thing i can do.
Maybe that's why i detach.
But right now,
I just wish i could stop these thoughts from pulsating through my head. Making me feel (mostly like shit) but just never enough to make me want to do something about it.
